Better Now

I am better now. I guess that because if what had happened to me doesn't mean that I will not get sick with the flu or something else ever again. Or that I will have very good luck for a long time, as I feel entitled to. Because things don't just even out in life. There is no Even Steven.

However, I guess that it also doesn't mean that every time I get sick, it will be that. Maybe it will be just the flu. I know that, but how do I believe that? And how do I know if, ever, it is that thing, which is also quite possible? The doctors are not, after all, just checking me every 3 months for no reason (billable hours aside).

I just don't like it. I don't like that I will have to deal with this all my life, even though I know that I was very lucky. And I know that I am only slightly more on the edge than everyone else. 

I go back to what my specialist told me. "I'm sorry it has to be like to be like this. But I don't think you should live I fear."

I'm not doing a great job of that yet.

Holding Steady

We are holding steady, both feeling a bit better today. Last night, into the wee hours, I panicked that the pain I felt was not the flu but like the pain that sent me to the hospital. I kept debating about if and when I should go to the hospital. I kept thinking that having gone to the hospital saved my life. I thought that I should just wait until about 5:00 or 6:00 in the morning before going. I finally fell asleep around 4:00 in the morning and when I awoke, I was feeling better. The pain is almost gone today. It still leaves me with doubt, but it's not like I will be completely ignoring everything. No hospital today, but my regular check up with my specialist is coming up in three weeks, so I will be checked out then.

Today, Aveen and I had a nice day together.  We watched more episodes of Glee. It is cool to have something in common like that with your 11 year old kid. The last time we were really interested in something like that together was when we were both simultaneously reading The Hunger Games. I made us bacon and tomato sandwiches. It is important to have something that tastes good when you are trying to get your appetite back. Now Aveen is doing his blog post, an assignment for school. I am doing mine too but he will never know about my blog. I will have to delete it at some point when my kids spend more time on the internet. They can read my twitter account which I will try to keep lighter and airier than this one.

The Flu Strikes Again

Today, I am at home with Aveen and I think we both have the flu.  We are feeling terrible and I am filled with fear, because the flu was how this all started 11 months ago.  Rationally, I know that it is most likely just the flu, but the unstoppable fear in me says that I can't know that for sure and last time, it was not just the flu. 

I feel so bad that I am paralyzed with fear and can't take care of my son when he is sick.  He is just quietly resting and being understanding, even though he doesn't know why his mother is freaking out.

My parents too are in a state of panic.  I can hear it in their voices and it doesn't help me.

Jaime is having a really busy day at work but he is torn.  I call him on the phone and he talks me off the ledge, temporarily.

Amrita doesn't know what is going on.

I wonder if I will ever feel safe again?

Twitter

I've been having less time to blog.  I still want to continue my blog.  But between posts, I've decided to tweet.  You can follow me on Twitter.  http/twitter.com/Mausumi Banerjee

Life Imitates Art

We just finished watching Before Midnight, the third movie about the relationship of Jesse and Celine (played by Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpi).  I have been watching these movies for the last 18 years, starting with Before Sunrise in my early 20s, when Jesse and Celine first meet on a train and spend the night in Vienna. 

Ever since then, I have dreamed about meeting someone on the train.  It seems to me the most romantic thing that could ever happen.  The movie ends with Jesse a Celine agreeing to meet in Paris in six months.  Nine years later, in Before Sunset, we learn that never did meet up because Celine's grandmother died just when they were supposed to meet and they didn't know anything else about each and couldn't get in touch (clearly before the electronic revolution).  Jesse is married with a 4 year old son.  We follow their conversation through the winding streets of Paris.  Jesse's dilemma is whether he can abandon his son to be with his true love.  And now, in Before Midnight, we see that he chose to be with his love, but that there has been a huge cost, leaving his son, and that is threatening his life with Celine and tearing apart their marriage. 

Like the other two movies, the dialogue between Jesse and Celine in this movie is so real and the tension in the marriage is so realistic.  The bitter fighting.  Celine being totally neurotic and crazy.  Jesse trying so hard.  They are nothing and everything like us.  It was hard to watch at times, because it felt like eavesdropping on such a intimate and personal moment in two people's relationship.  Jaime and I watched tensely, both of us hoping that they would work things out by the end of the movie because we knew they love each other, just like we do. 

Will there be more movies about Jesse and Celine?  I don't know but I hope so.  I want to continue seeing what happens to them as they grow older and older.  I want Jaime and me to grow old with them. 

But they will run out of names for the movies, Jaime says.

No, they'll be what, 50 in nine years?  Before Menopause?  Before Dentures?  Before Death?  The possibilities are endless.