A Little Help Is On Its Way

Yesterday, my psychologist called me. We hadn't talked in many months. Despite initially thinking that I had an anxiety order, she seems to now think my reactions to things are normal - just that there are some challenging things to react to. It was nice to hear her kind voice.

She asked me if I would be interested in participating in research - a study on the fear of recurrence and other common feelings - like anger, depression, anxiety, sadness - in cancer patients/survivors.

I said I am interested in learning more. I think it involves group work once a week during work. I am not sure that will be possible to square with work. But for now, while I wait for a call from the researcher, it is in the realm of possibility. It is help sent in my direction from the universe.

Don't Google It

It's the middle of the afternoon.  You are done all your work.  All your important work anyway.  You are waiting for decisions, and there is not much progress you can make until you get them.  You've made some headway on your correspondence, but correspondence can be mind-numbing at best, if not soul squashing.  You have nobody to talk to - because everyone around is busy and deadly quiet.  You've already read the Globe and Mail. 

Something triggers you.

What's a girl to do?

I know I shouldn't. I usually don't. But sometimes I just can't help it and I google the kind of cancer I had. A cancer mentor had warned me against it. The Internet is not your friend, she had said firmly.

I know, but sometimes, the Internet is the only friend I have. 

I feel that I need to know more about my cancer. I feel like Dr. H kept it very high level - on a need to know basis, thinking I didn't need to know very much. I know I shouldn't know too much.

Nonetheless, sometimes my fingers have a will of their own.

And what I read scares the hell out of me! I see that my diagnosis is so rare that there is very little information about it.  The few academic papers warn against accepting it at face value.

I can't even write the other things they say about it. 

I feel like I am watching a scary movie by myself but just can't make myself stop.

Someone finally talks to me and I snap out of it.

Walking home, I know that Dr. H didn't just take it at face value.  She either removed or biopsied every possible organ and lymph node that she could.

But she can't give me what I want, which is certainty.  I know that there is no certainty, so I just have to make every moment count.

Sometimes it is a lot of pressure to try to make every moment count - especially when so much is not in my control.  I can only control how I respond.  I can only control how I am.

But a little encouragement from the universe for me and my family and friends would, of course, help!

Desiderata

I came across the poem Desiderata by Max Ehrmann this week.  I took comfort in reading it, feeling that I could relate to each line, and it encouraged me to be brave.  

Because I was feeling kinda blue this week, tearing myself up over issues both big and small, both existential and mundane.

Will the cancer come back?  When will it come back?  What is my body trying to tell me now?  How much time do I have left with my children?  With my parents?  Why do we always have to do the crappy shift in the carpool?  Why wasn’t I included?  I am going to be (5 minutes) late for work.  What did it mean that Aveen and I almost got run over by a car, separately, at opposite ends of centretown, at the exact same moment?

It’s been a week of minor illnesses, big drudgeries, little disappointments, and hurts.

And it always takes me back to my fears.  Despite the lovely Winter Solstice yoga class where I wrote, on a piece of paper, what I wanted to let go of in 2015 and watched “fear” go up in flames.  Where I lit a candle, so that I could see in the darkness.  Where a stranger hugged me.  

But it isn’t so easy as that.  

This week, I found myself back in the darkness.  

The poem made me see that, most of the time, my fears are indeed born of fatigue and loneliness.  I am often fatigued because of chronic sleeping problems, exacerbated by many things, big and small.  And this week, I was lonely.  I felt left out and alone.  I felt Ottawa to be a cold and lonely place.  I was longing for warmth, both in the weather and in humanity.  I wanted a proverbial hug.  

Today.  Well, it is warmer today.  I feel a bit less lonely.  And I am a bit less afraid, though I know it will get cold again.

But whatever happens, no doubt, the universe will unfold as it should.    

Desiderata - Words for Life

by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, 

gracefully surrendering the things of youth. 

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. 

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. 

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. 

You are a child of the universe, 

no less than the trees and the stars; 

you have a right to be here. 

And whether or not it is clear to you, 

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 

Therefore be at peace with God, 

whatever you conceive Him to be, 

and whatever your labors and aspirations, 

in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, 

it is still a beautiful world. 

Be cheerful. 

Strive to be happy.