This is what Jaime told me tonight.
That I can fear, but I should not despair.
Even if I learn the worst, I should not despair.
Because when one despairs, one loses faith, one loses the meaning of life.
It is a miracle that we are here. No matter what our life and what our state. It is a miracle to have life at all, any life, for however long.
Even if I learn the worst, and have to go through horrible treatments, and die in the end, I should not despair.
Because I will have lived. And will still be living. And as horrible as I think that life might be, it will still be life, and it will still be miraculous, and I have no right to feel that such a life is not every bit as miraculous as that of a healthy person.
What have I done? I have given my parents a lifetime of joy. I met my soulmate, my beschert, at a young age, and have already spent 20 years with him. We have created 2 beautiful beings and put them on the earth and have loved them and nurtured them. I have touched the lives of many people. I know I have. And I will continue to do this, until I die, no matter what state I am in.
This is not an ode to the end of my life. I am not convinced that what I will find out in that test will be the worst. I fear it, but I can put it in perspective, that it is unlikely to be the worst - though it could be - because of many facts. Though it is possible, it is simply unlikely.
But I fear it. And out of my fear, I am still trying to learn to have faith. Not to despair. And I am trying to find the meaning of life, for myself, and for anyone. I will continue to strive for it, always, even if I live to be 100 years old.
No comments:
Post a Comment