A Letter to Robin Williams

Dear Robin,

I have been thinking a lot about you this week, as has everyone else.  Like everyone else, I was surprised that you had suffered severe depression and took your life last Monday. 

Surprised and not surprised. I had not really given much thought to whether you had been depressed or not, but if I had, I might have guessed that you were.  After all, you have, at various points in your life, abused drugs and alcohol (I would never characterize you as a drug addict or an alcoholic as that would debase you to only the negative parts of you and why do that when there were so many wonderful parts to you?), and generally people do those things when they are unhappy and want to escape something.

So I wasn't really surprised, but I was sad.  I was sad that you felt such despair that you would take your life.  I am sad that you did not have someone you felt you could turn to or that you saw no way out.  I was sad that even someone so funny could be so depressed.  You had a kind face.  You must have had people who loved you.  And yet you took your life.

I can't say that I don't understand that.  I mean, I have people who love me, and yet, I have been depressed at various times in my life, especially in the last two years.  I have had good reason, I think, at times in the last two years to be depressed from time to time.  I don't even think it is considered depression if you have a good reason to be.  I think that is called being normal.  Then, again, maybe it isn't.  After all, I had good reason to be anxious, yet my psychologist said I had an anxiety disorder.  (Yes, I know it probably has to do with the degree to which you are anxious or depressed about difficult things in life.)

Today, I felt a bit down.  It was the 5th day of cold, rainy, gloomy weather.  Oh, and it's not October.  It's the middle of August.  The weather network is calling it Augtober.

And we have been going through a difficult time with my father.  Not in the cancer sense.  But still, we are waiting for results of imaging.  And I so love doing that.  (Read this last line in a sarcastic or ironic.)

It rained and rained today. And there was nothing to do all day.  And I felt so lonely.  I wanted to call a friend to go for coffee.  But I didn't.

Did you call a friend to go for coffee, Robin?  I bet you didn't either.  Because people often don't reach out when they need to.  I wish I had been your friend.  I wish I could have gone for coffee with you.  Not that I am narcicistic and delusional and think that I could have saved you from killing yourself.  (No, I'm just a bad speller and can't figure out where the spell check is on this blogger.)  But I just think we might have had a good talk.  In fact, I could have used a coffee with you today.  I'm sure you would have made me laugh.

Don't worry about me. The forecast is for sun tomorrow.  I'm sure I will feel better as soon as I can get out for a bike ride or a swim. 

It's just that it's too late for you.

If it rains again, tomorrow, I'll ask someone to go for coffee.

Rest in peace.