Things are righting themselves

That is what my specialist said at my appointment yesterday. 

"But I still have pain.  And this.  And the other thing."

"Yes," she said.  "And things will never be the same.  I'm sorry it is this way.  I've damaged you.  I damaged you to fix you.  We don't know what will happen in the future.  But you shouldn't live in fear."

It is hard to face death.  It's just really hard.  What makes it somewhat easier is that you don't know just when it will come, and it is so hard to fathom that you just don't understand it fully.

For the moment, it is no longer my job to face death.  I don't have to think about dying anymore. 

Exactly one year ago this week, my body gave me the first sign that something was wrong.  And I ignored it for about six weeks.  Then I went to my doctor.  He ordered a test.  The test showed exactly what was wrong.  Except, my test result was never sent to my doctor so I thought everything was fine.  Even though I knew it wasn't.  And I did all kinds of things that, rightfully, I should not have been able to do.  I wrote an MC which was the culmination of years of work.  I hiked through the hills of Vermont.  I taught a bunch of kids dance moves to Jai Ho at Amrita's birthday party.  I lived. 

But I avoided going to the doctor.  I even didn't get the flu shot because I was avoiding going to the doctor.  And then, at Christmas time, my body screamed at me,  "ENOUGH," and sent me to the Emergency Room. 

Another six months, and it is over.  Things are righting themselves.  In spite of the missed test result and my avoidance and denial, I was lucky.  I went to the hospital early enough for something to be done.

I don't know what will happen in the future but it is over now.  I have to live again.  But I have some important challenges ahead of me.

How do I live without fear?

How do I put distance between me and this thing that happened?

How do I listen to my body's signs but not over-react to everything?

How do I live a meaningful life and make a difference?

How do I ease the pain of what my parents went through?
How do I thank people?  For taking care of my children, for holding my hand through my darkest times, for keeping me company when I didn't have anything to worry about but was worrying anyway or was simply bored or lonely, for sending me cookies or meditations or flowers or food or books or e-mails.

How do I thank my doctors for, literally, saving my life? 

How do I thank my doctor friends who supplemented information and advice - who became my doctors as well as being my friends?  (Doctor friends are really handy!) 

How do I begin to describe what Jaime does for me everyday and what he has been through and what he means to me?

I don't know.  All I know is to get up in the morning.  And hope that I will know what to do from there.