I always hear that I am not alone, but sometimes I am alone, or at least I feel very alone.
I am feeling like that today, because I have been having to watch my father slowly disappear. I don't know when, but sometime, in the not-too-distant future, he will no longer be with me. And it is heartbreaking and scary.
And not only is it heartbreaking and scary but there are a lot of realities to deal with. My mother is also old and not healthy. My parents will not be able to live independently for much longer. Already, I have to do a lot of caregiving. Groceries, company, chores, e-mail, social contacts, drives, etc. I have to do most of it alone, though I have Jaime to help me.
I also have to figure out how I am going to manage their future. Where will they live? Who will take care of them? I am trying to find them some alternatives, but it is difficult and frustrating, because they have rigid views. Not a retirement home, not facing the street, not expensive, next to the stores but quiet, next to the doctor and their friends, and a bus route, and me.
I know I will have to do a lot of the caring myself, but I can't do it all by myself. And I am an only child of immigrant parents, so I really have no one to help me. I have Jaime, who is a great help, but he is their son-in-law, which isn't quite the same.
I feel very much alone in this.
I guess it doesn't help that my closest friend isn't talking to me right now, over a misunderstanding. I've told her that I never meant to hurt her, that I said no that time, one time, because I put my family first - the time I had set to help my parents and a response that my son had given me.
I've tried to explain and to apologize. Of course, I didn't do it very well, because it was over text and I was very emotional. I am very emotional, that is who I am. I am flawed. But I am also someone who is a true friend, who does not intentionally hurt people, who almost never says no.
But I guess it is not enough because I am also someone who is alone.
