Today is December 21st, the shortest day of the year, Aveen's half-year birthday, the winter solstice. We haven't seen the sun in what feels likes weeks. Even daylight is a rare treat. It is dark when we wake, barely sunrise walking to work, and dark again when we come home. I don't have a window at work anymore so the day passes me by.
The weather has also been fitting - extremely cold, lots of snow. It sometimes feels like we are in a cave, buried in snow. The skating rinks have been opened early this year. It is hockey all day, all the time now.
Christmas lights bring some warmth outside. Christmas trees brighten the indoors. Hot meals warm us on the inside.
It is time to write my Christmas list. (It's not too late because none of it can be bought at the Bay or Chapters online.)
Above all, of course, good health.
But there are a few other things I need and want. Just a few little things.
Courage. So that I can face what life throws at me.
Strength. So that I can get through what life throws at me.
Peace of mind. So that I can rest and be present in the moment and not worry all the time.
Simple pleasures. So that I can get through the day.
Discipline. So that I do my yoga practice and meditation and write and eat my veggies and resist sugar.
Resilience. So that I bounce back. (Thank goodness, I already got this as a gift some time ago and I always have it.)
And if I can just have a few stocking stuffers.
To be with my family. I love to be with them. On the sofa. In bed. On skis. Everywhere. They drive me crazy but I love them like crazy.
Dinners and coffee dates with friends. There's nothing better than that e-mail.
Some interesting work to do and interesting people to get to know.
That's all I want for Christmas.
Monday 23 December 2013
Monday 25 November 2013
Better Now
I am better now. I guess that because if what had happened to me doesn't mean that I will not get sick with the flu or something else ever again. Or that I will have very good luck for a long time, as I feel entitled to. Because things don't just even out in life. There is no Even Steven.
However, I guess that it also doesn't mean that every time I get sick, it will be that. Maybe it will be just the flu. I know that, but how do I believe that? And how do I know if, ever, it is that thing, which is also quite possible? The doctors are not, after all, just checking me every 3 months for no reason (billable hours aside).
I just don't like it. I don't like that I will have to deal with this all my life, even though I know that I was very lucky. And I know that I am only slightly more on the edge than everyone else.
I go back to what my specialist told me. "I'm sorry it has to be like to be like this. But I don't think you should live I fear."
I'm not doing a great job of that yet.
Friday 22 November 2013
Holding Steady
We are holding steady, both feeling a bit better today. Last night, into the wee hours, I panicked that the pain I felt was not the flu but like the pain that sent me to the hospital. I kept debating about if and when I should go to the hospital. I kept thinking that having gone to the hospital saved my life. I thought that I should just wait until about 5:00 or 6:00 in the morning before going. I finally fell asleep around 4:00 in the morning and when I awoke, I was feeling better. The pain is almost gone today. It still leaves me with doubt, but it's not like I will be completely ignoring everything. No hospital today, but my regular check up with my specialist is coming up in three weeks, so I will be checked out then.
Today, Aveen and I had a nice day together. We watched more episodes of Glee. It is cool to have something in common like that with your 11 year old kid. The last time we were really interested in something like that together was when we were both simultaneously reading The Hunger Games. I made us bacon and tomato sandwiches. It is important to have something that tastes good when you are trying to get your appetite back. Now Aveen is doing his blog post, an assignment for school. I am doing mine too but he will never know about my blog. I will have to delete it at some point when my kids spend more time on the internet. They can read my twitter account which I will try to keep lighter and airier than this one.
Thursday 21 November 2013
The Flu Strikes Again
Today, I am at home with Aveen and I think we both have the flu. We are feeling terrible and I am filled with fear, because the flu was how this all started 11 months ago. Rationally, I know that it is most likely just the flu, but the unstoppable fear in me says that I can't know that for sure and last time, it was not just the flu.
I feel so bad that I am paralyzed with fear and can't take care of my son when he is sick. He is just quietly resting and being understanding, even though he doesn't know why his mother is freaking out.
My parents too are in a state of panic. I can hear it in their voices and it doesn't help me.
Jaime is having a really busy day at work but he is torn. I call him on the phone and he talks me off the ledge, temporarily.
Amrita doesn't know what is going on.
I wonder if I will ever feel safe again?
I feel so bad that I am paralyzed with fear and can't take care of my son when he is sick. He is just quietly resting and being understanding, even though he doesn't know why his mother is freaking out.
My parents too are in a state of panic. I can hear it in their voices and it doesn't help me.
Jaime is having a really busy day at work but he is torn. I call him on the phone and he talks me off the ledge, temporarily.
Amrita doesn't know what is going on.
I wonder if I will ever feel safe again?
Saturday 16 November 2013
I've been having less time to blog. I still want to continue my blog. But between posts, I've decided to tweet. You can follow me on Twitter. http/twitter.com/Mausumi Banerjee
Saturday 2 November 2013
Life Imitates Art
We just finished watching Before Midnight, the third movie about the relationship of Jesse and Celine (played by Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpi). I have been watching these movies for the last 18 years, starting with Before Sunrise in my early 20s, when Jesse and Celine first meet on a train and spend the night in Vienna.
Ever since then, I have dreamed about meeting someone on the train. It seems to me the most romantic thing that could ever happen. The movie ends with Jesse a Celine agreeing to meet in Paris in six months. Nine years later, in Before Sunset, we learn that never did meet up because Celine's grandmother died just when they were supposed to meet and they didn't know anything else about each and couldn't get in touch (clearly before the electronic revolution). Jesse is married with a 4 year old son. We follow their conversation through the winding streets of Paris. Jesse's dilemma is whether he can abandon his son to be with his true love. And now, in Before Midnight, we see that he chose to be with his love, but that there has been a huge cost, leaving his son, and that is threatening his life with Celine and tearing apart their marriage.
Like the other two movies, the dialogue between Jesse and Celine in this movie is so real and the tension in the marriage is so realistic. The bitter fighting. Celine being totally neurotic and crazy. Jesse trying so hard. They are nothing and everything like us. It was hard to watch at times, because it felt like eavesdropping on such a intimate and personal moment in two people's relationship. Jaime and I watched tensely, both of us hoping that they would work things out by the end of the movie because we knew they love each other, just like we do.
Will there be more movies about Jesse and Celine? I don't know but I hope so. I want to continue seeing what happens to them as they grow older and older. I want Jaime and me to grow old with them.
But they will run out of names for the movies, Jaime says.
No, they'll be what, 50 in nine years? Before Menopause? Before Dentures? Before Death? The possibilities are endless.
Ever since then, I have dreamed about meeting someone on the train. It seems to me the most romantic thing that could ever happen. The movie ends with Jesse a Celine agreeing to meet in Paris in six months. Nine years later, in Before Sunset, we learn that never did meet up because Celine's grandmother died just when they were supposed to meet and they didn't know anything else about each and couldn't get in touch (clearly before the electronic revolution). Jesse is married with a 4 year old son. We follow their conversation through the winding streets of Paris. Jesse's dilemma is whether he can abandon his son to be with his true love. And now, in Before Midnight, we see that he chose to be with his love, but that there has been a huge cost, leaving his son, and that is threatening his life with Celine and tearing apart their marriage.
Like the other two movies, the dialogue between Jesse and Celine in this movie is so real and the tension in the marriage is so realistic. The bitter fighting. Celine being totally neurotic and crazy. Jesse trying so hard. They are nothing and everything like us. It was hard to watch at times, because it felt like eavesdropping on such a intimate and personal moment in two people's relationship. Jaime and I watched tensely, both of us hoping that they would work things out by the end of the movie because we knew they love each other, just like we do.
Will there be more movies about Jesse and Celine? I don't know but I hope so. I want to continue seeing what happens to them as they grow older and older. I want Jaime and me to grow old with them.
But they will run out of names for the movies, Jaime says.
No, they'll be what, 50 in nine years? Before Menopause? Before Dentures? Before Death? The possibilities are endless.
Saturday 26 October 2013
Take your passion and make it happen
We went to see Flashdance at the National Arts Centre tonight. It was very good. I enjoyed it though not as much as I thought I would. It was long and dragged a little at times. But the dancing was definitely amazing. And you do get that amazing rush to hear music that you know, live on-stage, in such a big production.
They changed the story a lite bit, but ultimately, the story is about following through on your dreams and working hard. It is a good reminder to me that I have to follow through on my dreams, which is writing, and I haven't been doing that lately, either writing in this blog or starting the serious fiction writing that I want to do, and that I haven't time to do in the last 11 years, but that I promised myself I would do.
I have become absorbed in my new job, trying to learn tax policy and trying to make a good impression, which is difficult because I have been trying to maintain my leaving time of 5:00, which nobody at Tax seems to do. And they all have little kids, younger than mine, and they are all lovely people, but they all say that that their spouse picks up their kids, and they are content to see their children, even their babies, for an hour a day. And if they are not really content, they accept it. And I wish I could tell them that that is wrong.
I have to admit that I have spent time on the weekends and sometimes in the evenings working from home. Because there is a lot of work to do. And I want to a great job. And I want to show them that I can do a great job without having to stay late every night (because then they can't complain, right?). And I want to advance. Yes, I want it all. And I think there is no reason I can't. And that we can't all have it all, if we all decide to live like that.
But back to my dream about writing. I suppose I can't do it when I am trying to draft my costing methodology after hours. So maybe I do have to make some choices. I can do my job and be with my family. And I can do a little bit more. But what will it be? Spend time with friends? Chop vegetables for my salad? Go to yoga class? Help Amrita with her piano? Try to sort out who's going to the dance with whom in Aveen's grade 6 class? Take a nap? Do a little more work? Watch an episode of Glee? (Thank you, D & J for the great recommendation!) Send an e-mail to a friend? Volunteer to go on a school field trip? Start writing my great novel?
Any of those choices would be great and right. Each day, I can choose something different. One day, I hope I will choose to write, and little by little, be closer to that dream. Until I do, I will be living my other dreams.
They changed the story a lite bit, but ultimately, the story is about following through on your dreams and working hard. It is a good reminder to me that I have to follow through on my dreams, which is writing, and I haven't been doing that lately, either writing in this blog or starting the serious fiction writing that I want to do, and that I haven't time to do in the last 11 years, but that I promised myself I would do.
I have become absorbed in my new job, trying to learn tax policy and trying to make a good impression, which is difficult because I have been trying to maintain my leaving time of 5:00, which nobody at Tax seems to do. And they all have little kids, younger than mine, and they are all lovely people, but they all say that that their spouse picks up their kids, and they are content to see their children, even their babies, for an hour a day. And if they are not really content, they accept it. And I wish I could tell them that that is wrong.
I have to admit that I have spent time on the weekends and sometimes in the evenings working from home. Because there is a lot of work to do. And I want to a great job. And I want to show them that I can do a great job without having to stay late every night (because then they can't complain, right?). And I want to advance. Yes, I want it all. And I think there is no reason I can't. And that we can't all have it all, if we all decide to live like that.
But back to my dream about writing. I suppose I can't do it when I am trying to draft my costing methodology after hours. So maybe I do have to make some choices. I can do my job and be with my family. And I can do a little bit more. But what will it be? Spend time with friends? Chop vegetables for my salad? Go to yoga class? Help Amrita with her piano? Try to sort out who's going to the dance with whom in Aveen's grade 6 class? Take a nap? Do a little more work? Watch an episode of Glee? (Thank you, D & J for the great recommendation!) Send an e-mail to a friend? Volunteer to go on a school field trip? Start writing my great novel?
Any of those choices would be great and right. Each day, I can choose something different. One day, I hope I will choose to write, and little by little, be closer to that dream. Until I do, I will be living my other dreams.
Thursday 10 October 2013
There are flowers in my salad
It was all right!
After two weeks of waiting, Jaime and I trudged to the General Hospital.
"The doctor is running an hour late," the receptionist cheerfully announced when we got there.
Oh great.
I tried to find a magazine, but couldn't find anything. "The selection isn't very good, is it?" someone said to me.
No.
I walked up and down and the halls for a while, because I don't like to sit still, especially in hospital waiting rooms. Especially when I am waiting for test results. I looked out the window. Two interns were sitting outside chatting. One was eating an apple. Another had a coffee. At another table, another doctor/intern/nurse was eating lunch.
At a certain point, I wasn't even worried anymore. I was BORED out of my mind. I was so bored that I played maze games on my iPhone. My kids would have been so surprised because I never play games.
Finally, after almost two hours, I was called.
"Hi. I'm a third year student. I'm just going to ask you a few questions before the doctor sees you. Sorry for the wait."
Which wait?
She proceeded to ask me a million questions. She didn't find any of my answers interesting. (Good.)
I am having a pain in my leg.
"Can't help you with that. Go see your family doctor."
(I did. He didn't really care.)
"Anything else?"
"Well, I really want to know my ultrasound result."
"The doctor will be in to talk to you about that."
More waiting.
Finally, the doctor arrived in the room. A locum, replacing my actual doctor who is on sabbatical. (Doctors go on sabbatical?)
More questions.
Finally, "Everything looks fine."
Why was it so hard to tell me??
"We'll do another test in 6 months." Because you can never be too careful with kidneys, apparently. Jeesh, they are more careful with this than the other thing.
"I'm not driving you for the test in 6 months," Jaime informs me.
The rest of the week has been exceptionally normal. School, homework, piano, and getting used to my new job.
In my latest bag of leafy greens from Nicastro are pretty yellow and orange flowers.
"Do we eat them?" Jaime and I wonder. "They probably wouldn't leave them in there if you couldn't eat them, would they?" We reason.
This is all the adventure I want for now.
After two weeks of waiting, Jaime and I trudged to the General Hospital.
"The doctor is running an hour late," the receptionist cheerfully announced when we got there.
Oh great.
I tried to find a magazine, but couldn't find anything. "The selection isn't very good, is it?" someone said to me.
No.
I walked up and down and the halls for a while, because I don't like to sit still, especially in hospital waiting rooms. Especially when I am waiting for test results. I looked out the window. Two interns were sitting outside chatting. One was eating an apple. Another had a coffee. At another table, another doctor/intern/nurse was eating lunch.
At a certain point, I wasn't even worried anymore. I was BORED out of my mind. I was so bored that I played maze games on my iPhone. My kids would have been so surprised because I never play games.
Finally, after almost two hours, I was called.
"Hi. I'm a third year student. I'm just going to ask you a few questions before the doctor sees you. Sorry for the wait."
Which wait?
She proceeded to ask me a million questions. She didn't find any of my answers interesting. (Good.)
I am having a pain in my leg.
"Can't help you with that. Go see your family doctor."
(I did. He didn't really care.)
"Anything else?"
"Well, I really want to know my ultrasound result."
"The doctor will be in to talk to you about that."
More waiting.
Finally, the doctor arrived in the room. A locum, replacing my actual doctor who is on sabbatical. (Doctors go on sabbatical?)
More questions.
Finally, "Everything looks fine."
Why was it so hard to tell me??
"We'll do another test in 6 months." Because you can never be too careful with kidneys, apparently. Jeesh, they are more careful with this than the other thing.
"I'm not driving you for the test in 6 months," Jaime informs me.
The rest of the week has been exceptionally normal. School, homework, piano, and getting used to my new job.
In my latest bag of leafy greens from Nicastro are pretty yellow and orange flowers.
"Do we eat them?" Jaime and I wonder. "They probably wouldn't leave them in there if you couldn't eat them, would they?" We reason.
This is all the adventure I want for now.
Wednesday 25 September 2013
The Torture Continues
So to get the result of my last ultrasound test, from last Wednesday, I have to wait another week and then go for an appointment at the hospital. Not only that but my regular doctor is away for a year and I will have a locum telling me the results. Either there is something wrong with my results or this is an administrive procedure where they can't give me results by phone.
I am so exhausted by appointments and tests and waits and new aches and pains. I had a short break from this over the summer, where I snatched every opportunity to go swimming, despite the constant thunder shower warnings, to make myself feel better. But now I am back at it.
I was so hoping to be done by now. To enjoy Friday, a day I have taken off before I start my new job on Monday. I was hoping to start my new job without this hanging over my head. But that is not to be. I will have to start my job distracted, immediately asking for half a day off.
I can simply choose not to worry. But it is easier said than done.
It just doesn't seem right that I have to wait so long when it know that my results are just sitting there. I just need time with a doctor. Yet what am I supposed to do? The medical system is doing what it is supposed to do and anxiety is not a good enough reason to do things a different way.
Sunday 22 September 2013
May the Long Time Sun Shine Upon You
Today was our first mother-daughter yoga class. Truth be told, I picked it as an introductory yoga class for me, since I was worried that a regular yoga class would be too hard for me. I figured that I could manage a class that included 7 to 12 year olds. Amrita isn't thrilled about mother-daughter yoga, but we've done it since she was a baby so it is kind of our thing. And I thought it was so great for us to do the swimming together all summer, I wanted to keep doing something with her.
The magic of yoga worked. It grounded me, made me less fearful. It made me feel as if I had had a massage - physical, psychological and spiritual. One little yoga class, and I feel more in control again. The magical power has always amazed me. I must find a way to do it more.
And Amrita may not admit it, but she had a great time too!
May the Long Time Sun
Shine upon you
All love surround you
And the pure light within you
Guide your way on
Guide your way on
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8eoEv1tnTU
The magic of yoga worked. It grounded me, made me less fearful. It made me feel as if I had had a massage - physical, psychological and spiritual. One little yoga class, and I feel more in control again. The magical power has always amazed me. I must find a way to do it more.
And Amrita may not admit it, but she had a great time too!
May the Long Time Sun
Shine upon you
All love surround you
And the pure light within you
Guide your way on
Guide your way on
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8eoEv1tnTU
Saturday 21 September 2013
Rainy September Saturday
It is Saturday and raining hard today. I am having a hard time today. My mind keeps going around and around, replaying the time just before my diagnosis and surgery. Maybe it is because I am stressed, still waiting for my ultrasound results. Maybe it is because we had our first swimming lessons back at Carleton today where I do the parent-swim, the kids have their lessons, and then we go to Stella Luna for waffles - the same pattern we had in the fall, leading up to me landing in the hospital.
Maybe for these reasons. Maybe just because these bad memories will keep playing endlessly in my head until enough time has passed, until enough other memories replace them, until I feel safe again.
I am trying to put behind me. I am trying not to be so anxious about all my doctors' appointments and tests. It is tiresome for my family and friends. It is tiresome for me and my body to be stressed and anxious. I try to forget. I try to breathe. Sometimes, it is easier. When I am distracted and with my family and friends. Other times, I am alone, and my mind keeps going there.
I imagine it is normal though. At least I suppose it is. I don't have any points of comparison. I have some role models, but they are ten years ahead of me. I have to be the role model. And I am trying. Trying to rebuild my life. By working and parenting and doing as much as I can. But it isn't easy. No one's life is easy. Mine certainly isn't.
I have to also remember that as much as I want to move on, and as much as those around me want me to as well, I can't do everything. I still get tired. I am still adjusting to be "back in the world" full time, and it hasn't been that long, and I am still going through lots of tests and appointments. And sometimes I have to say "no", which is hard and go at my own pace. When I don't, my body lets me know that I haven't. And I have to step back and start again.
Maybe it is the pounding rain. Maybe I will feel better when the sun comes out again.
Maybe for these reasons. Maybe just because these bad memories will keep playing endlessly in my head until enough time has passed, until enough other memories replace them, until I feel safe again.
I am trying to put behind me. I am trying not to be so anxious about all my doctors' appointments and tests. It is tiresome for my family and friends. It is tiresome for me and my body to be stressed and anxious. I try to forget. I try to breathe. Sometimes, it is easier. When I am distracted and with my family and friends. Other times, I am alone, and my mind keeps going there.
I imagine it is normal though. At least I suppose it is. I don't have any points of comparison. I have some role models, but they are ten years ahead of me. I have to be the role model. And I am trying. Trying to rebuild my life. By working and parenting and doing as much as I can. But it isn't easy. No one's life is easy. Mine certainly isn't.
I have to also remember that as much as I want to move on, and as much as those around me want me to as well, I can't do everything. I still get tired. I am still adjusting to be "back in the world" full time, and it hasn't been that long, and I am still going through lots of tests and appointments. And sometimes I have to say "no", which is hard and go at my own pace. When I don't, my body lets me know that I haven't. And I have to step back and start again.
Maybe it is the pounding rain. Maybe I will feel better when the sun comes out again.
Friday 13 September 2013
It's the Fall
It's the fall & the unfallen apples hold their brightness a little longer into the blue air, holding the dream that they can be brighter.
The weather has definitely turned. There is a chill in the air. The skies are grey. We may see an unseasonally warm day or two, but there is no mistake about the colder days and the longer nights. We are heading into the fall. Children are back to school. The parks are deserted in the evenings. There is homework and piano practice. The pool is closed.
Fall can be beautiful. If the days are bright and crisp. If you have the right sweater. If you go apple picking (which we did last Sunday) and hiking in the Gatineaus. Apple picking turns into pumpkin picking, which turns into pies for Thanksgiving dinner. Still a little colder and you can carve the pumpkins and put candles in them and leave them outside for Hallow'een.
Fall is beautiful.
Except when it is just grey and cold. And followed by winter.
Fall is the start of new things. I will never forget the excitement I felt every fall starting school, especially university, arriving at the beautiful campus at Dalhousie University, some leaves already changing to red, yellow, and orange, the ivy clinging to the stone buildings, all the new students arriving, moving into the majestic Women's Residence.
This fall, after many years, I will be starting something new. A new job at Tax Policy. Hardly a radical move, my Director told me when I said I was trying to experiment with my life a bit. No, not radical. If I could choose, I would quit my job and move to Paris to be a writer.
Working at Tax Policy will not be like being a writer in Paris. I think it will be a tough, hard slog. My office will not have the beautiful, south-facing view I have now. In fact, it won't have any window at all, though it will be bigger. I will have to learn the Income Tax Act. I will have a steep learning curve, and maybe it won't be as much fun as my current job.
But I've done my current job for so many years. And learning Tax may not be as romantic as writing in Paris, but I think it will be a highlight of a career in public policy. It will be doing in practice what I learned from those dusty public finance textbooks while sitting in my classrooms at Dalhousie. This is what I studied for.
It may not be the ideal time for me to go to Tax Policy. When I am trying to recover. When my concentration is low. When I get more easily tired and distracted. When they are just running an EX-01 competition in my current Division and there will in fact be openings. Not the ideal time.
But this is when the opportunity came - they had already waited for me a long time - so I couldn't say no. And in other ways, it is a good time for me to start something new. A new beginning. Without the reminders of what was happening to me in January when I look at old e-mails to refresh my memory on files.
I've made my decision and I'm leaving.
But before I do, a rough week lies ahead. My quarterly appointment with my specialist. Physio for a shoulder injury. (Really?) Another ultrasound, which I don't know how I will get through because it was through an ultrasound that they found what they did last time. I don't know how I will react to the test. And how I will get through waiting for the results. And how I will do this over and over again. And how I will deal with the other aches and pains.
Ativan? No. I've worked hard to get off of it. And it hasn't been easy. Trying to get through the insomnia and the intense bursts of anxiety. I think - I hope - I've gotten through the worst of it and can't afford to go back to it. I don't want to take it ever again and I hope I never have to.
I have to get through it without.
If I find myself drifting, I have to bring myself back to the present, to the unfallen apples that hold their brightness a little longer.
Back to the fall.
The weather has definitely turned. There is a chill in the air. The skies are grey. We may see an unseasonally warm day or two, but there is no mistake about the colder days and the longer nights. We are heading into the fall. Children are back to school. The parks are deserted in the evenings. There is homework and piano practice. The pool is closed.
Fall can be beautiful. If the days are bright and crisp. If you have the right sweater. If you go apple picking (which we did last Sunday) and hiking in the Gatineaus. Apple picking turns into pumpkin picking, which turns into pies for Thanksgiving dinner. Still a little colder and you can carve the pumpkins and put candles in them and leave them outside for Hallow'een.
Fall is beautiful.
Except when it is just grey and cold. And followed by winter.
Fall is the start of new things. I will never forget the excitement I felt every fall starting school, especially university, arriving at the beautiful campus at Dalhousie University, some leaves already changing to red, yellow, and orange, the ivy clinging to the stone buildings, all the new students arriving, moving into the majestic Women's Residence.
This fall, after many years, I will be starting something new. A new job at Tax Policy. Hardly a radical move, my Director told me when I said I was trying to experiment with my life a bit. No, not radical. If I could choose, I would quit my job and move to Paris to be a writer.
Working at Tax Policy will not be like being a writer in Paris. I think it will be a tough, hard slog. My office will not have the beautiful, south-facing view I have now. In fact, it won't have any window at all, though it will be bigger. I will have to learn the Income Tax Act. I will have a steep learning curve, and maybe it won't be as much fun as my current job.
But I've done my current job for so many years. And learning Tax may not be as romantic as writing in Paris, but I think it will be a highlight of a career in public policy. It will be doing in practice what I learned from those dusty public finance textbooks while sitting in my classrooms at Dalhousie. This is what I studied for.
It may not be the ideal time for me to go to Tax Policy. When I am trying to recover. When my concentration is low. When I get more easily tired and distracted. When they are just running an EX-01 competition in my current Division and there will in fact be openings. Not the ideal time.
But this is when the opportunity came - they had already waited for me a long time - so I couldn't say no. And in other ways, it is a good time for me to start something new. A new beginning. Without the reminders of what was happening to me in January when I look at old e-mails to refresh my memory on files.
I've made my decision and I'm leaving.
But before I do, a rough week lies ahead. My quarterly appointment with my specialist. Physio for a shoulder injury. (Really?) Another ultrasound, which I don't know how I will get through because it was through an ultrasound that they found what they did last time. I don't know how I will react to the test. And how I will get through waiting for the results. And how I will do this over and over again. And how I will deal with the other aches and pains.
Ativan? No. I've worked hard to get off of it. And it hasn't been easy. Trying to get through the insomnia and the intense bursts of anxiety. I think - I hope - I've gotten through the worst of it and can't afford to go back to it. I don't want to take it ever again and I hope I never have to.
I have to get through it without.
If I find myself drifting, I have to bring myself back to the present, to the unfallen apples that hold their brightness a little longer.
Back to the fall.
Saturday 7 September 2013
New York Stories
We are back in Ottawa now. Ottawa seems so quiet and small. New York seems like a dream. It is hard to believe that just a few hours ago we were in the busy bustle of such an incredible city.
This morning, before leaving, we hit MoMA. The kids really liked it, in fact more than the Museum of Natural History. MoMA was light and airy filled with art that they knew. The looked at the sculptures, picked out the instruments of the Three Musicians, and debated what can be considered art. I was only sorry that we had not left more time for MoMA.
Another original walk in New York was the High Line, a public park built on an historic freight rail line elevated above the streets on Manhattan’s West Side. It gives you various views of the city and is filled with wild flowers and herbs. My friend whose family is posted in NYC took us on the walk. We got caught in a thunder and lightning rainstorm and had to wait under scaffolds for over an hour. But it was fun because we had friends to chat with and the kids had friends to play with. When the rain finally let up, we finished the walk and found ourselves having lunch in Chelsea Market.
Later that night, we went to see my friend's apartment. It was really cool to see an actual Manhattan apartment and the amazing view she had from the 27th floor. She invited Aveen and Amrita for dinner and insisted that Jaime and I go out for dinner alone. She really wanted to do that for us, and it meant a lot to us that she wanted to do that for us. (Thank you.) And when else would we have dinner on Madison Avenue while the kids watched A Night at the Museum (after having just visited the Museum of Natural History).
Another place I was really curious about was Greenwich Village. We took the subway to Madison Square and walked to Union Square. From there, we went to Washington Square and wandered the narrow, curving, tree-lined streets of Greenwich Village with charming brownstones. We found Amy's Bread, a sweet little sandwich and cake café, which was recommended through a personal note in a travel book I borrowed. We had yummy and original sandwiches - peppery grilled cheese and tomato, a fancy, mini-tuna - and finished with cupcakes and lemon cake. A few doors down was a bookstore with a lot of really beautiful books on architecture in Manhattan and Brooklyn.
One night, we walked through Soho, browsing through the shops as we made our way to Little Italy. Once there, we had dinner at Lobardie's, the first pizzeria in the US. The server guided us through twists and turns and up the stairs into a backroom, from where we were sure we would never find our way back. We ordered a pitcher of coke and the traditional, New York, thin crust pizza. It was worth the long subway ride.
The cafes in New York surprised me. With the exception of Starbucks, with which we Canadians are intimately familiar, when you order a coffee in New York, they add the milk for you. I don't like that, because I have to put just the right amount of milk in and nobody can do that for me. So I had to remember to always ask for milk on the side. There is a reason why "on the side" was such a big thing for Sally in When Harry Met Sally.
New York is an amazing city, so busy, so big, just so. Things that made our trip particularly special .... having friends there to give us the personal touch, having to make our way through an actual neighbourhood to buy groceries (Whole Foods on 97th) and do laundry (in NYC, you drop off your clothes and they wash and fold it for you), and the book we were reading (Walls Within Walls - we were even able to find the apartment building where the kids in the book lived).
It is hard to believe that NYC is so close to Ottawa yet it is such a different world. We are already talking about our next trip back there. I would like to go in the Fall (maybe not this Fall), when Central Park will be full of colour and the weather cooler. Next time, maybe we will stay in a hotel closer to downtown. I can't wait to go back to MoMA and see another Broadway play, maybe go to a concert. There is no end of things to do.
This morning, before leaving, we hit MoMA. The kids really liked it, in fact more than the Museum of Natural History. MoMA was light and airy filled with art that they knew. The looked at the sculptures, picked out the instruments of the Three Musicians, and debated what can be considered art. I was only sorry that we had not left more time for MoMA.
Another original walk in New York was the High Line, a public park built on an historic freight rail line elevated above the streets on Manhattan’s West Side. It gives you various views of the city and is filled with wild flowers and herbs. My friend whose family is posted in NYC took us on the walk. We got caught in a thunder and lightning rainstorm and had to wait under scaffolds for over an hour. But it was fun because we had friends to chat with and the kids had friends to play with. When the rain finally let up, we finished the walk and found ourselves having lunch in Chelsea Market.
Later that night, we went to see my friend's apartment. It was really cool to see an actual Manhattan apartment and the amazing view she had from the 27th floor. She invited Aveen and Amrita for dinner and insisted that Jaime and I go out for dinner alone. She really wanted to do that for us, and it meant a lot to us that she wanted to do that for us. (Thank you.) And when else would we have dinner on Madison Avenue while the kids watched A Night at the Museum (after having just visited the Museum of Natural History).
Another place I was really curious about was Greenwich Village. We took the subway to Madison Square and walked to Union Square. From there, we went to Washington Square and wandered the narrow, curving, tree-lined streets of Greenwich Village with charming brownstones. We found Amy's Bread, a sweet little sandwich and cake café, which was recommended through a personal note in a travel book I borrowed. We had yummy and original sandwiches - peppery grilled cheese and tomato, a fancy, mini-tuna - and finished with cupcakes and lemon cake. A few doors down was a bookstore with a lot of really beautiful books on architecture in Manhattan and Brooklyn.
One night, we walked through Soho, browsing through the shops as we made our way to Little Italy. Once there, we had dinner at Lobardie's, the first pizzeria in the US. The server guided us through twists and turns and up the stairs into a backroom, from where we were sure we would never find our way back. We ordered a pitcher of coke and the traditional, New York, thin crust pizza. It was worth the long subway ride.
The cafes in New York surprised me. With the exception of Starbucks, with which we Canadians are intimately familiar, when you order a coffee in New York, they add the milk for you. I don't like that, because I have to put just the right amount of milk in and nobody can do that for me. So I had to remember to always ask for milk on the side. There is a reason why "on the side" was such a big thing for Sally in When Harry Met Sally.
New York is an amazing city, so busy, so big, just so. Things that made our trip particularly special .... having friends there to give us the personal touch, having to make our way through an actual neighbourhood to buy groceries (Whole Foods on 97th) and do laundry (in NYC, you drop off your clothes and they wash and fold it for you), and the book we were reading (Walls Within Walls - we were even able to find the apartment building where the kids in the book lived).
It is hard to believe that NYC is so close to Ottawa yet it is such a different world. We are already talking about our next trip back there. I would like to go in the Fall (maybe not this Fall), when Central Park will be full of colour and the weather cooler. Next time, maybe we will stay in a hotel closer to downtown. I can't wait to go back to MoMA and see another Broadway play, maybe go to a concert. There is no end of things to do.
Thursday 29 August 2013
The Sun Will Come Out...Tomorrow
A highlight of our trip was a broadway musical. We were told that we could get half-price tickets the day of a show at Times Square, starting at 2:00. Well, I know a little bit about lining up. So we made a day of it, arriving at Times Square at 12:00 to scope things out and then lining up at 1:00. It was hard work as it was a hot, sunny day and Times Square was so busy. However, we scored tickets for Annie and our seats were pretty good.
I loved the play. Of course, I knew it and the music by heart. The kids wanted to see Cinderella and Spider-Man, but I think Annie was better for all of us. It is also such a New York play. Aveen and Amrita ended up liking it way more than they would admit. And they loved that they could eat skiddles while watching - a no-no at the NAC.
It was a truly wonderful performance, worth every penny. I wish we could have seen more shows. I was really happy re-living a fond childhood memory and have all those songs stuck in my head. I guess I will just have to wait for the next visit to see another show.
Tuesday 27 August 2013
By Grand Central Station, I Sat and Wept
No, I didn't. I ate a slice of pizza, but I doubt the book would have done as well had it had "pizza" in the title!
Grand Central Station is beautiful, with constellations on the light blue ceiling and the whispering wall (which works!).
We also went to the public library and knew the names of the magnificent lions (Patience and Fortitude), thanks to the mystery kids novel set in NYC we are reading.
And I would be remiss if I didn't add that a trip to the American Girl store was a highlight for all of us. It just made Amrita so happy to go there and get her doll. And the store is just like going to Disney World - they know all about little girls. They had the prettiest public bathroom I have ever seen.
The day ended with a trip to the public pool at Central Park. While it is a wonderful, Olympic size pool, the armed security guards made the experience less than relaxing. But I felt mostly safe.
NYC is such a big, busy, crazy city that you never feel "safe" - especially when the subway train grinds to a halt between stations and you smell smoke but safe isn't the point.
Saturday 24 August 2013
I Heart NY - Days 1 & 2
We arrive to an unusual Brownstone with a Japanese style bathroom with a sunken tub, the dining room in the bedroom and a lot of sliding doors. Not to mention the elevator. It is large enough and close to Central Park and close to a subway line. All in all, it is more adequate than amazing.
On our first full day, we met our friends for breakfast at the Boathouse in Central Park. Amazing crabcakes, stunning park and wonderful seeing our friends. Afterwards, we took a subway to Brooklyn and walked along the Brooklyn Bridge. Then we took the Statin Island Ferry to see the Statue of Liberty.
We were exhausted afterwards. It was a lot of walking. It was a gorgeous day, though. The loveliest part was a family of singers in a part of Central Park that was almost a makeshift cathedral. Simple yet beautiful.
Sunday 18 August 2013
Hit the Kid with the Ball
After dinner tonight, the kids were bored. It had been a quiet weekend in our neighbourhood with lots of people away, as it is often the case in the deep of summer. The kids didn't know what to do and didn't like any of our suggestions.
We went to stand outside our house. Our neighbours/friends who had been away and had just come back came out to say hi to us. Then another family who had been away also arrived and joined the group.
We took the all the kids to the park and started to play Hit the Kid with the Ball, a game that the dads on the street invented. The objective is for the grown ups to hit all the kids with a ball as the kids run across the climbers. Not the safest game, but lots of fun.
As we were playing, our other neighbour/friends who live by the park arrived. Then a couple of other kids who were at the park joined in. Before we knew it, the climbers were filled with laughing, running kids.
A summer Sunday evening when the park was ours.
We went to stand outside our house. Our neighbours/friends who had been away and had just come back came out to say hi to us. Then another family who had been away also arrived and joined the group.
We took the all the kids to the park and started to play Hit the Kid with the Ball, a game that the dads on the street invented. The objective is for the grown ups to hit all the kids with a ball as the kids run across the climbers. Not the safest game, but lots of fun.
As we were playing, our other neighbour/friends who live by the park arrived. Then a couple of other kids who were at the park joined in. Before we knew it, the climbers were filled with laughing, running kids.
A summer Sunday evening when the park was ours.
Saturday 10 August 2013
Jaime's Balcony
We have a balcony on the second floor of our house, off of our bedroom, as many of the houses on our block do. Many of the other balconies are screened in with beautiful patio furniture, a lovely oasis.
I've always wanted a balcony, because balconies remind me of my grandparents' home in Kolkata. The verandah off the master bedroom was the family room. I have memories playing there on the floor with someone who was special to me. I have memories of my grandfather reading the Statesman on the wicker chair. I have memories of my grandmother bringing out tea. I have memories of rushing to the balcony to see who was ringing the doorbell. I have memories of all of us there together on many an evening when "loadshedding" had struck and we were trying to escape the dark rooms with no fans working, trying not to get bitten by the mosquitoes.
When we moved into our house, we realized we couldn't really use the balcony, as there is a hydro wire that crosses it, inconveniently placed. We were resigned to it. We didn't want the children going out there. We locked the door and forgot about it. The only person who used it was our handyman. While he renovated our bathroom, he left some tools out there and a bit of a mess and forgot about it.
Months passed.
Later this spring, our neighbour mentioned it - the tools and the mess. She had recently had her balcony renovated, so she could see ours. I mentioned it to Jaime, and we sighed at the fact that we couldn't enjoy our balcony.
But Jaime thought there was something we could do. Slowly. He put away the tools. He cleaned up the mess. One day, he bought a floor covering. Another day, he came home with big plants - flowering plants and greens that look tropical. He placed these plants around the perimeter so that the children could not get close to the hydro wire. Another day, he came home with wrought iron patio furniture.
The balcony that was only good for leaving tools has now been transformed into something beautiful. It is still not large and closed in, but it is a place where we can watch the sunset and gaze at the stars and take a breath of air.
I reminded Jaime that six months ago, tomorrow, I had my big surgery. He reminded me that something unusable and ugly and potentially dangerous can be transformed into something beautiful and soothing.
I've always wanted a balcony, because balconies remind me of my grandparents' home in Kolkata. The verandah off the master bedroom was the family room. I have memories playing there on the floor with someone who was special to me. I have memories of my grandfather reading the Statesman on the wicker chair. I have memories of my grandmother bringing out tea. I have memories of rushing to the balcony to see who was ringing the doorbell. I have memories of all of us there together on many an evening when "loadshedding" had struck and we were trying to escape the dark rooms with no fans working, trying not to get bitten by the mosquitoes.
When we moved into our house, we realized we couldn't really use the balcony, as there is a hydro wire that crosses it, inconveniently placed. We were resigned to it. We didn't want the children going out there. We locked the door and forgot about it. The only person who used it was our handyman. While he renovated our bathroom, he left some tools out there and a bit of a mess and forgot about it.
Months passed.
Later this spring, our neighbour mentioned it - the tools and the mess. She had recently had her balcony renovated, so she could see ours. I mentioned it to Jaime, and we sighed at the fact that we couldn't enjoy our balcony.
But Jaime thought there was something we could do. Slowly. He put away the tools. He cleaned up the mess. One day, he bought a floor covering. Another day, he came home with big plants - flowering plants and greens that look tropical. He placed these plants around the perimeter so that the children could not get close to the hydro wire. Another day, he came home with wrought iron patio furniture.
The balcony that was only good for leaving tools has now been transformed into something beautiful. It is still not large and closed in, but it is a place where we can watch the sunset and gaze at the stars and take a breath of air.
I reminded Jaime that six months ago, tomorrow, I had my big surgery. He reminded me that something unusable and ugly and potentially dangerous can be transformed into something beautiful and soothing.
Thursday 8 August 2013
The Fifth Week of Summer
I haven't blogged much lately etante donne qu'il faut que j'etudie le francais. My test is in two weeks. (It hasn't come together yet - in fact, I can't speak English or French these days.) Hours later, we will whisk ourselves off to NYC.
It has been almost two weeks since we dropped Beanie off at camp. We got a letter from him yesterday! He wrote about his activities - archery, pingpong, swimming tuck. And he is on the camp council! We pick him up on Sunday - in a little over 48 hours!
I will probably write only in tweets until I pass mon examen orale.
It has been almost two weeks since we dropped Beanie off at camp. We got a letter from him yesterday! He wrote about his activities - archery, pingpong, swimming tuck. And he is on the camp council! We pick him up on Sunday - in a little over 48 hours!
I will probably write only in tweets until I pass mon examen orale.
Friday 2 August 2013
An unusual week
Filled with insomnia and....
.... a classmate who starts waving around a needle for his diabetes medicine....
....a French teacher who gets a parking ticket while we are doing "auto-apprenticage" and the police have to come....
....a quick visit from a friends whose car battery dies just in those few minutes and we give a boost....
....a request for us to give a home for a night to a rescued medical student from Belgium whom we don't know....
.....heavy rains, sudden lightning storms....
.... a classmate who starts waving around a needle for his diabetes medicine....
....a French teacher who gets a parking ticket while we are doing "auto-apprenticage" and the police have to come....
....a quick visit from a friends whose car battery dies just in those few minutes and we give a boost....
....a request for us to give a home for a night to a rescued medical student from Belgium whom we don't know....
.....heavy rains, sudden lightning storms....
Monday 29 July 2013
Letting Go
Parenting is so much about letting go - at the right time.
Today, we drove Aveen to Camp where he will be for two weeks. Two weeks! It seems like such a long time to let him go. But. There was no one week option for his age group. And why do I think it is important let him go to camp at all?
I want to let him have this experience. To enjoy the outdoors, learn to do things like kayaking and sailing that we can't teach him, to make friends, to learn to take care of himself, to be independent. I want my kids to learn to be independent, because it is important, and I don't think I am very independent.
Of course, it is difficult to know exactly when they are ready and how much independence they are ready for. Aveen went to the same camp last year for a week and had a great time. However, he was ready to come back after the week last year. Hopefully, two weeks won't be too long for him. It will be long for me.
After the longish drive today, once we got there, Aveen hugged us and said, "Okay, bye." As in, "Please go away now," in a nice way.
Are you kidding me? We just got here.
As much as I wanted to stay for a swim in the lake and lunch, we settled for a walk during which we ran into Aveen again. He gave us a look that said, "Why are you still here?" So we finally got the hint and left.
We drove back, stopping for lunch in a cute town, shopping at A Touch of Whimsy, and taking the scenic way back.
At the pool, Amrita got pushed into the pool by accident by three bigger boys. As she sobbed, she said, "It's funny that this happened just the day Aveen left. Now he won't know about it for two weeks."
I'm not the only one who misses Aveen.
Today, we drove Aveen to Camp where he will be for two weeks. Two weeks! It seems like such a long time to let him go. But. There was no one week option for his age group. And why do I think it is important let him go to camp at all?
I want to let him have this experience. To enjoy the outdoors, learn to do things like kayaking and sailing that we can't teach him, to make friends, to learn to take care of himself, to be independent. I want my kids to learn to be independent, because it is important, and I don't think I am very independent.
Of course, it is difficult to know exactly when they are ready and how much independence they are ready for. Aveen went to the same camp last year for a week and had a great time. However, he was ready to come back after the week last year. Hopefully, two weeks won't be too long for him. It will be long for me.
After the longish drive today, once we got there, Aveen hugged us and said, "Okay, bye." As in, "Please go away now," in a nice way.
Are you kidding me? We just got here.
As much as I wanted to stay for a swim in the lake and lunch, we settled for a walk during which we ran into Aveen again. He gave us a look that said, "Why are you still here?" So we finally got the hint and left.
We drove back, stopping for lunch in a cute town, shopping at A Touch of Whimsy, and taking the scenic way back.
At the pool, Amrita got pushed into the pool by accident by three bigger boys. As she sobbed, she said, "It's funny that this happened just the day Aveen left. Now he won't know about it for two weeks."
I'm not the only one who misses Aveen.
Friday 26 July 2013
I am a secret agent
One of my classmates, whose first language is not English and is having a tough time, asked me how he can pass the French oral exam. He says he can pass any exam, but not the French oral exam.
This is the advice I gave him: " You have to suspend who you are and play a role. You have to be a figure skater who doesn't fall on the double and triple axils."
I have suspended who I am in French class. My lovely, bubbly afternoon French teacher has no idea what my last six months have really been. I maintain a light and airy existence insofar as French class is concerned and she thinks my life is all about swimming at a tennis club and soccer practices and socials. Which it sort of is at the moment. But not really.
I've even lied about my job. As far as my French class is concerned, I still work on the CPP. Because I haven't really worked since I switched files. I know the CPP vocabulary. I know the issues. My teachers don't even bother to ask me about my work. They say I already know that.
I lie about other things too. To stay within the role.
Maybe this is what a secret agent feels like.
This is the advice I gave him: " You have to suspend who you are and play a role. You have to be a figure skater who doesn't fall on the double and triple axils."
I have suspended who I am in French class. My lovely, bubbly afternoon French teacher has no idea what my last six months have really been. I maintain a light and airy existence insofar as French class is concerned and she thinks my life is all about swimming at a tennis club and soccer practices and socials. Which it sort of is at the moment. But not really.
I've even lied about my job. As far as my French class is concerned, I still work on the CPP. Because I haven't really worked since I switched files. I know the CPP vocabulary. I know the issues. My teachers don't even bother to ask me about my work. They say I already know that.
I lie about other things too. To stay within the role.
Maybe this is what a secret agent feels like.
Monday 22 July 2013
Today, I am mad
Because I can't speak French using the correct rules of grammar with allese.
Because some days I can't speak French at all. Or even English.
Because today I found la formation especially difficult and boring.
Any why do I have to keep learning the same rules over and over again and why can I still never use the rules properly?
How can I have been learning French all my life and still not be able to speak it?
And why did this package of shrimp need to be defrosted when the others don't?
And why is there soccer practice again today after we just came back from a whole weekend of it and didn't do anything else?
And why do I have to deal with having had cancer all the rest of my life? Why can I never forget it, even for a minute or a second?
And why do I still have a cold?
And why can't something work out easily or simply for a change?
Because some days I can't speak French at all. Or even English.
Because today I found la formation especially difficult and boring.
Any why do I have to keep learning the same rules over and over again and why can I still never use the rules properly?
How can I have been learning French all my life and still not be able to speak it?
And why did this package of shrimp need to be defrosted when the others don't?
And why is there soccer practice again today after we just came back from a whole weekend of it and didn't do anything else?
And why do I have to deal with having had cancer all the rest of my life? Why can I never forget it, even for a minute or a second?
And why do I still have a cold?
And why can't something work out easily or simply for a change?
Sunday 21 July 2013
International Sign of Respect
When children play soccer and a player is injured, all members of both teams rest on one knee with their hands folded together in respect of the injured player. When said player gets up, or is carried off the field, everyone claps. I find this sign of respect from young boys very touching.
And at the end of the game, my son's team started a ritual where they form a bridge cheering the other team's name. It is interesting to see how the other team reacts to this. Often they are confused, then surprised, then they participate, and return the bridge. It changes the tone of the ending of the game, no matter who wins. Then they run and give the parents high fives. I don't go to all of Aveen's soccer games (they both Amrita out of her wits), but this ritual is so sweet that it always makes me cry.
In fact, the boys themselves were crying after their game today, defeated 3 - nothing. And Aveen was in net for the second half and had two goals scored on him. He is always in net because he is an awesome goalie - he almost always catches the ball and boots across the field. But when they lose a game, as goalie, he feels solely responsible for losing the game, which he shouldn't because it is a team sport.
Many of the parents were riled up with the game. The other team pushed and shoved, the referee was unfair, the other coach kept yelling at our coach. All that was true. But the kids would not have been upset had the grown-ups not been yelling. And no one got hurt. And we finished early.
And it was a great weekend! The team played two great games on Saturday. The motel looked less Psycho like in the morning and turned out to have a great pool where we swam twice. Amrita made friends with two other younger sisters who came along. And the summer spinach salad at Swiss Chalet was not so bad. And the boys had a GREAT time. And the parents - aside from being a bit intense about soccer - were really nice. And I feel a lot better than I did on Friday. I even picked up vegetables from the Kingston market but then couldn't choke down kale and cawliflower curry - in fact, I can't even spell it. We had pasta with tomato and basil sauce instead.
So, yes, a soccer weekend can indeed cure a cold, as long as it comes with a pool!
And at the end of the game, my son's team started a ritual where they form a bridge cheering the other team's name. It is interesting to see how the other team reacts to this. Often they are confused, then surprised, then they participate, and return the bridge. It changes the tone of the ending of the game, no matter who wins. Then they run and give the parents high fives. I don't go to all of Aveen's soccer games (they both Amrita out of her wits), but this ritual is so sweet that it always makes me cry.
In fact, the boys themselves were crying after their game today, defeated 3 - nothing. And Aveen was in net for the second half and had two goals scored on him. He is always in net because he is an awesome goalie - he almost always catches the ball and boots across the field. But when they lose a game, as goalie, he feels solely responsible for losing the game, which he shouldn't because it is a team sport.
Many of the parents were riled up with the game. The other team pushed and shoved, the referee was unfair, the other coach kept yelling at our coach. All that was true. But the kids would not have been upset had the grown-ups not been yelling. And no one got hurt. And we finished early.
And it was a great weekend! The team played two great games on Saturday. The motel looked less Psycho like in the morning and turned out to have a great pool where we swam twice. Amrita made friends with two other younger sisters who came along. And the summer spinach salad at Swiss Chalet was not so bad. And the boys had a GREAT time. And the parents - aside from being a bit intense about soccer - were really nice. And I feel a lot better than I did on Friday. I even picked up vegetables from the Kingston market but then couldn't choke down kale and cawliflower curry - in fact, I can't even spell it. We had pasta with tomato and basil sauce instead.
So, yes, a soccer weekend can indeed cure a cold, as long as it comes with a pool!
Friday 19 July 2013
Travels with the soccer team
So we travelled through the driving rain, thunder and lightning, and funnel clouds. We are now in a sketchy motel at the edge of town. The rain is still coming down. The only entertainment is the streaks of lightning. Aveen is coughing. There is a DVD player. We should have brought Downton Abbey. Tomorrow, we may skip the complementary breakfast and head to the nearby McDonalds.
Onward Ho
This afternoon, we leave for a soccer tournament in Kingston. Unfortunately, I woke up with a terrible sore throat this morning. Aveen has had a cold for the last two weeks. Let's hope that staying in a less-than-comfortable looking motel and playing and watching soccer in the hot sun (or thunderstorm or tornado) all weekend and going out for a group dinner late is the answer!
On Sunday, I will let you know if that did the trick.....
On Sunday, I will let you know if that did the trick.....
Monday 15 July 2013
The Heat is On
Week 3 of Summer.
This week, we contend with tennis camp, which is mornings only - with rotating and creative childcare in the afternoon - and the second week of French. It was the pronom relative today. Our assignment was to write a text using the passé, with the subjunctive, pronom object direct and indirect, a verb ending with a preposition, and a pronom relative. It made for rather convoluted writing.
And we are in the midst of a heat wave. Air conditions are broken or are not able to cool down houses. Throughout the city, people can't sleep. Children are lethargic and soccer practices are shortened. There is a run on freezies. My daughter, who does not eat fruit on principle, resorts in desperation to watermelon.
It is the season of plenty. Every fruit is in season - mango, leechie nuts, strawberries, cherries. Soon it will be wild blueberries. It is mid-summer in Ottawa.
I have never before swum everyday in the summer. This is a first.
And I should be only watching French television, but it is too tempting to keep watching Downton Abbey.
This week, we contend with tennis camp, which is mornings only - with rotating and creative childcare in the afternoon - and the second week of French. It was the pronom relative today. Our assignment was to write a text using the passé, with the subjunctive, pronom object direct and indirect, a verb ending with a preposition, and a pronom relative. It made for rather convoluted writing.
And we are in the midst of a heat wave. Air conditions are broken or are not able to cool down houses. Throughout the city, people can't sleep. Children are lethargic and soccer practices are shortened. There is a run on freezies. My daughter, who does not eat fruit on principle, resorts in desperation to watermelon.
It is the season of plenty. Every fruit is in season - mango, leechie nuts, strawberries, cherries. Soon it will be wild blueberries. It is mid-summer in Ottawa.
I have never before swum everyday in the summer. This is a first.
And I should be only watching French television, but it is too tempting to keep watching Downton Abbey.
Saturday 13 July 2013
Today I am a little sad
Because I have had to say good-bye to two friends.
One friend who lived around the corner and is moving away. I walked by her house and it was dark and empty. Yesterday, I saw the moving trucks in front of her house. I feel sad for myself and Aveen who was her son's friend. And what is better for a child than having a friend just around the corner?
And today I also said good-bye to another dear friend who is going back to her posting. She will be back, and we have had a good visit, and we will be linked by continuous e-mail. But still. She is going to be far for another year.
The pool was closed for cleaning today, so that was disappointing. We went twice, expecting to swim, as it was supposed to be open but it was not but it was supposed to re-open but then it didn't. It would have been such a great day to swim. Aveen and Amrita were hot and disappointed but not as much as me! I felt some of those pains that really haven't been bothering me all week as long as I swim every day. The pool better be open tomorrow!
One accomplishment is that I found a place for us to stay in New York the last week of August when we are planning to go. It looks like a lovely brownstone which is what I wanted to get the true New York experience. (In fact, I wanted a brownstone in Brooklyn but didn't find the right one.) There wasn't very much available at an affordable price at this relatively late date. Most of the places look very crammed in large apartment buildings. This one looks quite beautiful with two stories and a terrace and is near Central Park. I can't believe I am actually booking a trip again!
One friend who lived around the corner and is moving away. I walked by her house and it was dark and empty. Yesterday, I saw the moving trucks in front of her house. I feel sad for myself and Aveen who was her son's friend. And what is better for a child than having a friend just around the corner?
And today I also said good-bye to another dear friend who is going back to her posting. She will be back, and we have had a good visit, and we will be linked by continuous e-mail. But still. She is going to be far for another year.
The pool was closed for cleaning today, so that was disappointing. We went twice, expecting to swim, as it was supposed to be open but it was not but it was supposed to re-open but then it didn't. It would have been such a great day to swim. Aveen and Amrita were hot and disappointed but not as much as me! I felt some of those pains that really haven't been bothering me all week as long as I swim every day. The pool better be open tomorrow!
One accomplishment is that I found a place for us to stay in New York the last week of August when we are planning to go. It looks like a lovely brownstone which is what I wanted to get the true New York experience. (In fact, I wanted a brownstone in Brooklyn but didn't find the right one.) There wasn't very much available at an affordable price at this relatively late date. Most of the places look very crammed in large apartment buildings. This one looks quite beautiful with two stories and a terrace and is near Central Park. I can't believe I am actually booking a trip again!
Tuesday 9 July 2013
French, Swimming and Downton Abbey
My days are now filled with learning French (good for getting back some concentration ), swimming at the Tennis Club (makes me feel much better physically - thanks to my friend for inviting me which led me to getting my own membership!) and watching Downton Abbey (which has been successful in keeping my attention - thanks to my friend for lending me the DVD!).
I got the pool membership for me and Amrita since Aveen is at soccer all the time. I feel a bit guilty for not having bought one for him too. He thinks I am obsessed with swimming and that "poor Amrita's childhood is being ruined with too much swimming". But poor Amrita is a fish and loves to swim almost as much as me, though she has requested that we go once every two or three days instead of everyday - not entirely unreasonable. But, no, we are going to go every day. Sorry.
I got the pool membership for me and Amrita since Aveen is at soccer all the time. I feel a bit guilty for not having bought one for him too. He thinks I am obsessed with swimming and that "poor Amrita's childhood is being ruined with too much swimming". But poor Amrita is a fish and loves to swim almost as much as me, though she has requested that we go once every two or three days instead of everyday - not entirely unreasonable. But, no, we are going to go every day. Sorry.
Monday 8 July 2013
Ici on parle francais
Today was the first day of my language training. It wasn't too bad. I have always liked school and learning to use the language part of my brain. So, as long as the teachers are good and the other students in the class are okay, I enjoy it. However, I did find it long, as I am not used to full days and I'm not used to yakking all day. Also I am tired from the weekend and have a bit of a cold.
Being back in "full time", I am now busy again, like everyone else. When I was at home, everyone else seemed to me to be so busy. It was as if my life had slowed down just when everyone else's had sped up. Or maybe only my pace had changed. And it was just the theory of relativity playing tricks on me. Now I feel like I am starting to catch up again. But I am going to pace myself.So this evening is all about eating extra spicy chicken curry to see if I can get rid of my cold. And putting everyone to bed early because we're all tired from the weekend!
Sunday 7 July 2013
Sudden Death (but still a silver medal)
It was a lovely, meandering sort of weekend, the sort you can only have in early July, with the whole of summer still ahead of you.
It started on Friday evening with a swim at the tennis club. Though the skies were threatening and the water cold, it is always wonderful to swim. Afterwards, we ran into our friends and dallied over liquid freezies and coffee. We came home and played a family game of Apples to Apples (which is quite a good game for parents!).
The rest of the weekend was a lot (but no means all) about soccer as it was another tournament weekend. So while Jaime and Aveen were at soccer, Amrita and I made our way back to the pool and then to our friend's house where we were having a wonderful reunion dinner with another set of friends on vacation mid-way through their posting overseas. It was a quintessential summer evening, perfectly warm with some breeze. We sat on the patio and ate and chatted until the wee hours (past 10:00 which are the wee hours when you have to be on the soccer field in Blackburn Hamlet by 8:00 the next morning).
We didn't sleep for very long last night. The wake-up came far too early. Aveen and Jaime left early, and a friend of Amrita's came over. A friend of mine then picked us up and we went to the Farmer's Market where there was face painting, organic vegetables (kale and colliflower curry tonight), lunch at the tennis club, and (of course) a swim.
Then we rushed to the soccer game as Aveen's team had made it to the Finals. It was a close and exciting game, tied at 1:1 at the end. The game went into overtime. Alas, the other team scored and it was "sudden death" for Aveen's team. They still won the silver medal and only lost gold by 1 point in a Tier 1 tournament despite being a Tier 2 team - more exciting (for me) than Wimmbleton!
Tomorrow, I start language training. Another milestone.
It started on Friday evening with a swim at the tennis club. Though the skies were threatening and the water cold, it is always wonderful to swim. Afterwards, we ran into our friends and dallied over liquid freezies and coffee. We came home and played a family game of Apples to Apples (which is quite a good game for parents!).
The rest of the weekend was a lot (but no means all) about soccer as it was another tournament weekend. So while Jaime and Aveen were at soccer, Amrita and I made our way back to the pool and then to our friend's house where we were having a wonderful reunion dinner with another set of friends on vacation mid-way through their posting overseas. It was a quintessential summer evening, perfectly warm with some breeze. We sat on the patio and ate and chatted until the wee hours (past 10:00 which are the wee hours when you have to be on the soccer field in Blackburn Hamlet by 8:00 the next morning).
We didn't sleep for very long last night. The wake-up came far too early. Aveen and Jaime left early, and a friend of Amrita's came over. A friend of mine then picked us up and we went to the Farmer's Market where there was face painting, organic vegetables (kale and colliflower curry tonight), lunch at the tennis club, and (of course) a swim.
Then we rushed to the soccer game as Aveen's team had made it to the Finals. It was a close and exciting game, tied at 1:1 at the end. The game went into overtime. Alas, the other team scored and it was "sudden death" for Aveen's team. They still won the silver medal and only lost gold by 1 point in a Tier 1 tournament despite being a Tier 2 team - more exciting (for me) than Wimmbleton!
Tomorrow, I start language training. Another milestone.
Friday 5 July 2013
Turns out that riding a horse is good therapy
We went to Montebello this weekend, and it was almost exactly how I imagined it would be.
The weather cleared up, just as we arrived (in less than hour, via the new Highway 50). We were able to play tennis and mini-golf and go swimming in the outdoor pool (which is way nicer than the Chateau Montebello's indoor pool). It was my first swim since it all happened and it was wonderful! We stayed in the pool almost the whole weekend!
In the evening, we took at walk along the river and passed a stable. Amrita remembered the pony rides she took in Paris a few years ago. She wanted to try horse back riding. So, the next day, Amrita and I decided to try it. Amrita rode a black horse named Fury while I was led to a brown horse named Jessie. The guide promised to take good care of Amrita and we started off on our path alongside the river and then through the woods.
Jessie proved to be a fairly well behaved horse. She surprised me from time to time by picking up quite a bit of speed going down slopes but was mostly co-operative. Riding a horse was both thrilling and relaxing and a little bit scary. Especially down hills. And hanging for dear life turns out to be a good way to really be present in the moment, which is my goal.
After all that swimming and horseback riding and tennis, I had that really good achy feeling which I hadn't felt in a long time. I was sad when it went away.
Back in the city, a friend invited me and Amrita as guests to an outdoor pool club and we had such a nice time that I bought a membership for us. So now I can go swimming in an outdoor pool all summer and hopefully have that nice feeling all summer!
The weather cleared up, just as we arrived (in less than hour, via the new Highway 50). We were able to play tennis and mini-golf and go swimming in the outdoor pool (which is way nicer than the Chateau Montebello's indoor pool). It was my first swim since it all happened and it was wonderful! We stayed in the pool almost the whole weekend!
In the evening, we took at walk along the river and passed a stable. Amrita remembered the pony rides she took in Paris a few years ago. She wanted to try horse back riding. So, the next day, Amrita and I decided to try it. Amrita rode a black horse named Fury while I was led to a brown horse named Jessie. The guide promised to take good care of Amrita and we started off on our path alongside the river and then through the woods.
Jessie proved to be a fairly well behaved horse. She surprised me from time to time by picking up quite a bit of speed going down slopes but was mostly co-operative. Riding a horse was both thrilling and relaxing and a little bit scary. Especially down hills. And hanging for dear life turns out to be a good way to really be present in the moment, which is my goal.
After all that swimming and horseback riding and tennis, I had that really good achy feeling which I hadn't felt in a long time. I was sad when it went away.
Back in the city, a friend invited me and Amrita as guests to an outdoor pool club and we had such a nice time that I bought a membership for us. So now I can go swimming in an outdoor pool all summer and hopefully have that nice feeling all summer!
Tuesday 25 June 2013
Things are righting themselves
That is what my specialist said at my appointment yesterday.
"But I still have pain. And this. And the other thing."
"Yes," she said. "And things will never be the same. I'm sorry it is this way. I've damaged you. I damaged you to fix you. We don't know what will happen in the future. But you shouldn't live in fear."
It is hard to face death. It's just really hard. What makes it somewhat easier is that you don't know just when it will come, and it is so hard to fathom that you just don't understand it fully.
For the moment, it is no longer my job to face death. I don't have to think about dying anymore.
Exactly one year ago this week, my body gave me the first sign that something was wrong. And I ignored it for about six weeks. Then I went to my doctor. He ordered a test. The test showed exactly what was wrong. Except, my test result was never sent to my doctor so I thought everything was fine. Even though I knew it wasn't. And I did all kinds of things that, rightfully, I should not have been able to do. I wrote an MC which was the culmination of years of work. I hiked through the hills of Vermont. I taught a bunch of kids dance moves to Jai Ho at Amrita's birthday party. I lived.
But I avoided going to the doctor. I even didn't get the flu shot because I was avoiding going to the doctor. And then, at Christmas time, my body screamed at me, "ENOUGH," and sent me to the Emergency Room.
Another six months, and it is over. Things are righting themselves. In spite of the missed test result and my avoidance and denial, I was lucky. I went to the hospital early enough for something to be done.
I don't know what will happen in the future but it is over now. I have to live again. But I have some important challenges ahead of me.
How do I live without fear?
How do I put distance between me and this thing that happened?
How do I listen to my body's signs but not over-react to everything?
How do I live a meaningful life and make a difference?
How do I ease the pain of what my parents went through?
How do I thank people? For taking care of my children, for holding my hand through my darkest times, for keeping me company when I didn't have anything to worry about but was worrying anyway or was simply bored or lonely, for sending me cookies or meditations or flowers or food or books or e-mails.
How do I thank my doctors for, literally, saving my life?
How do I thank my doctor friends who supplemented information and advice - who became my doctors as well as being my friends? (Doctor friends are really handy!)
How do I begin to describe what Jaime does for me everyday and what he has been through and what he means to me?
I don't know. All I know is to get up in the morning. And hope that I will know what to do from there.
"But I still have pain. And this. And the other thing."
"Yes," she said. "And things will never be the same. I'm sorry it is this way. I've damaged you. I damaged you to fix you. We don't know what will happen in the future. But you shouldn't live in fear."
It is hard to face death. It's just really hard. What makes it somewhat easier is that you don't know just when it will come, and it is so hard to fathom that you just don't understand it fully.
For the moment, it is no longer my job to face death. I don't have to think about dying anymore.
Exactly one year ago this week, my body gave me the first sign that something was wrong. And I ignored it for about six weeks. Then I went to my doctor. He ordered a test. The test showed exactly what was wrong. Except, my test result was never sent to my doctor so I thought everything was fine. Even though I knew it wasn't. And I did all kinds of things that, rightfully, I should not have been able to do. I wrote an MC which was the culmination of years of work. I hiked through the hills of Vermont. I taught a bunch of kids dance moves to Jai Ho at Amrita's birthday party. I lived.
But I avoided going to the doctor. I even didn't get the flu shot because I was avoiding going to the doctor. And then, at Christmas time, my body screamed at me, "ENOUGH," and sent me to the Emergency Room.
Another six months, and it is over. Things are righting themselves. In spite of the missed test result and my avoidance and denial, I was lucky. I went to the hospital early enough for something to be done.
I don't know what will happen in the future but it is over now. I have to live again. But I have some important challenges ahead of me.
How do I live without fear?
How do I put distance between me and this thing that happened?
How do I listen to my body's signs but not over-react to everything?
How do I live a meaningful life and make a difference?
How do I ease the pain of what my parents went through?
How do I thank people? For taking care of my children, for holding my hand through my darkest times, for keeping me company when I didn't have anything to worry about but was worrying anyway or was simply bored or lonely, for sending me cookies or meditations or flowers or food or books or e-mails.
How do I thank my doctors for, literally, saving my life?
How do I thank my doctor friends who supplemented information and advice - who became my doctors as well as being my friends? (Doctor friends are really handy!)
How do I begin to describe what Jaime does for me everyday and what he has been through and what he means to me?
I don't know. All I know is to get up in the morning. And hope that I will know what to do from there.
Friday 21 June 2013
Up in the Air
Things are still a bit up in the air.
No calls from my doctor about my kidney scan test. I stuck so close to my phone all week that it reminded me of my teenage years waiting for the phone to ring. Of course, now I have an iPhone, so waiting by the phone is not quite so restrictive as it used to be in those days. But it does make me wonder why I haven't received a call. They told me at the hospital that my results would be ready later that afternoon. That was Monday. So, where are my doctors?? Heavens knows I have enough of them.
What else is up in the air?
I am supposed to go on language training starting on July 8. But only if they can form a group of more than one. They don't know yet for sure.
My job is a bit up in the air right now too.
Summer vacation is up in the air. Depends on language training and my exam date. And my kidney scan test results!!
So big things are up in the air. And little things too. Like whether Amrita and I will go to see any games at Aveen's soccer tournament on the weekend (depends on how much it rains). Whether Sunday will be dominated by soccer too (depends on how well his team does). What hours I will work next week (depends on how my appointments go) - it is getting harder to work such limited hours.
I guess things are always up in the air to a certain extent whether or not they are health-related things like I am going through or not. I used to like to pin things down. I liked commitment. I liked (like) certainty. Well, life just doesn't work out that way. You can't plan on rain or winning or losing. (Who would have thought that soccer holds so many life lessons?) You sometimes just have to go along on the winding path and see where it takes you.
I'm trying to do that. I'm learning. It's not my nature but I'm trying. There are advantages to some uncertainty too. It leaves me room to change my mind and my plans, because sometimes I feel differently. It leaves room for spontaneity and adventure.
Of course, I don't want to turn into a complete commitment-phobe either. I sometimes worry that I am being too vague with people at times. Well, one day, I can explain to them why. For now, I can deal with the uncertainty in my life by being a little mysterious myself.
No calls from my doctor about my kidney scan test. I stuck so close to my phone all week that it reminded me of my teenage years waiting for the phone to ring. Of course, now I have an iPhone, so waiting by the phone is not quite so restrictive as it used to be in those days. But it does make me wonder why I haven't received a call. They told me at the hospital that my results would be ready later that afternoon. That was Monday. So, where are my doctors?? Heavens knows I have enough of them.
What else is up in the air?
I am supposed to go on language training starting on July 8. But only if they can form a group of more than one. They don't know yet for sure.
My job is a bit up in the air right now too.
Summer vacation is up in the air. Depends on language training and my exam date. And my kidney scan test results!!
So big things are up in the air. And little things too. Like whether Amrita and I will go to see any games at Aveen's soccer tournament on the weekend (depends on how much it rains). Whether Sunday will be dominated by soccer too (depends on how well his team does). What hours I will work next week (depends on how my appointments go) - it is getting harder to work such limited hours.
I guess things are always up in the air to a certain extent whether or not they are health-related things like I am going through or not. I used to like to pin things down. I liked commitment. I liked (like) certainty. Well, life just doesn't work out that way. You can't plan on rain or winning or losing. (Who would have thought that soccer holds so many life lessons?) You sometimes just have to go along on the winding path and see where it takes you.
I'm trying to do that. I'm learning. It's not my nature but I'm trying. There are advantages to some uncertainty too. It leaves me room to change my mind and my plans, because sometimes I feel differently. It leaves room for spontaneity and adventure.
Of course, I don't want to turn into a complete commitment-phobe either. I sometimes worry that I am being too vague with people at times. Well, one day, I can explain to them why. For now, I can deal with the uncertainty in my life by being a little mysterious myself.
Wednesday 19 June 2013
I can almost see the Finish Line
The Finish Line is close, I can see it. And just past it is a beautiful weekend in Chateau Montebello. It will be hot and sunny. We will swim in the outdoor poor all day, eat barbeque in the early evening. Then we will play mini-golf as the sun wanes. We will eat a sumptuous breakfast of berries that we've never even heard of. Maybe I'll get a massage. Maybe Amrita will try horse back riding. Then we will fall into bed and read Harriet the Spy.
But I'm not there yet. I am so close but there are still turns and detours just before, and I don't know if I will get re-routed. There have been many such detours on the long marathon I've been running for the past 6 months. The marathon itself was a big detour from the path I was on before last December. Even along the detour, there were more unexpected twists and turns.
I'm almost back on the track - a different track, mind you, then the one I was on before. Like all paths, this was has its pluses and minuses. Some pluses include: a better appreciation of life and my family and friends and even work, a more health conscious life-style, the desire to live a more meaningful life. A big minus is the fear and possibility of recurrence.
But before I am completely back on track, I have to get the results of my kidney function test. I haven't got a call from my doctor yet. I got a call so quickly after last week's CT scan that I have been expecting the same timeframe. I know that I will know by June 28 at the latest since I am seeing my specialist at that time, but it would be nice to know before. I'd sort of like a heads-up if I have to get the stent re-inserted on June 28 (since my appointment is at the same location where I got my stent removed). Especially since I did book a room at Chateau Montebello for June 29-July 1. And I have to cancel by June 26.
I used to be such a planner. I planned our trip to Paris one year in advance - the plane tickets, the apartment, everything. Now I can't even plan anything a day in advance. And the cancellation policy is the key feature I look at.
There have been a lot of hurdles to get over in this marathon. I hope that June 28 will see me at the Finish Line.
But I'm not there yet. I am so close but there are still turns and detours just before, and I don't know if I will get re-routed. There have been many such detours on the long marathon I've been running for the past 6 months. The marathon itself was a big detour from the path I was on before last December. Even along the detour, there were more unexpected twists and turns.
I'm almost back on the track - a different track, mind you, then the one I was on before. Like all paths, this was has its pluses and minuses. Some pluses include: a better appreciation of life and my family and friends and even work, a more health conscious life-style, the desire to live a more meaningful life. A big minus is the fear and possibility of recurrence.
But before I am completely back on track, I have to get the results of my kidney function test. I haven't got a call from my doctor yet. I got a call so quickly after last week's CT scan that I have been expecting the same timeframe. I know that I will know by June 28 at the latest since I am seeing my specialist at that time, but it would be nice to know before. I'd sort of like a heads-up if I have to get the stent re-inserted on June 28 (since my appointment is at the same location where I got my stent removed). Especially since I did book a room at Chateau Montebello for June 29-July 1. And I have to cancel by June 26.
I used to be such a planner. I planned our trip to Paris one year in advance - the plane tickets, the apartment, everything. Now I can't even plan anything a day in advance. And the cancellation policy is the key feature I look at.
There have been a lot of hurdles to get over in this marathon. I hope that June 28 will see me at the Finish Line.
Thursday 13 June 2013
Do I dare to eat a peach? (Line 123)
My first CT scan came back clear, which makes me very happy and relieved! They don't know what is causing the slight, coming and going pain that I have but probably scar tissue.
One more test to do - to check kidney function - on Monday.
When do I dare to book a trip? I am trying to be patient. I love, more than anything, to travel and to plan trips. And my family loves the trips I plan. Aveen and Amrita are expecting one (sort of, though they know that they might not have one this year), and have requested it to be a warmer trip than Tofino was last year.
The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock T.S. Eliot (1888–1965). LET us go then, you and I, | |
| When the evening is spread out against the sky | |
| Like a patient etherized upon a table; | |
| Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets, | |
| The muttering retreats | 5 |
| Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels | |
| And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells: | |
| Streets that follow like a tedious argument | |
| Of insidious intent | |
| To lead you to an overwhelming question…. | 10 |
| Oh, do not ask, “What is it?” | |
| Let us go and make our visit. | |
| In the room the women come and go | |
| Talking of Michelangelo. | |
| The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes, | 15 |
| The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes | |
| Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening, | |
| Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains, | |
| Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys, | |
| Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap, | 20 |
| And seeing that it was a soft October night, | |
| Curled once about the house, and fell asleep. | |
| And indeed there will be time | |
| For the yellow smoke that slides along the street, | |
| Rubbing its back upon the window panes; | 25 |
| There will be time, there will be time | |
| To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet; | |
| There will be time to murder and create, | |
| And time for all the works and days of hands | |
| That lift and drop a question on your plate; | 30 |
| Time for you and time for me, | |
| And time yet for a hundred indecisions, | |
| And for a hundred visions and revisions, | |
| Before the taking of a toast and tea. | |
| In the room the women come and go | 35 |
| Talking of Michelangelo. | |
| And indeed there will be time | |
| To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?” | |
| Time to turn back and descend the stair, | |
| With a bald spot in the middle of my hair— | 40 |
| (They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”) | |
| My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin, | |
| My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin— | |
| (They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”) | |
| Do I dare | 45 |
| Disturb the universe? | |
| In a minute there is time | |
| For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse. | |
| For I have known them all already, known them all: | |
| Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons, | 50 |
| I have measured out my life with coffee spoons; | |
| I know the voices dying with a dying fall | |
| Beneath the music from a farther room. | |
| So how should I presume? | |
| And I have known the eyes already, known them all— | 55 |
| The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase, | |
| And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin, | |
| When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall, | |
| Then how should I begin | |
| To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways? | 60 |
| And how should I presume? | |
| And I have known the arms already, known them all— | |
| Arms that are braceleted and white and bare | |
| (But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!) | |
| Is it perfume from a dress | 65 |
| That makes me so digress? | |
| Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl. | |
| And should I then presume? | |
| And how should I begin?
. . . . . . . .
| |
| Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets | 70 |
| And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes | |
| Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?… | |
| I should have been a pair of ragged claws | |
| Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
. . . . . . . .
| |
| And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully! | 75 |
| Smoothed by long fingers, | |
| Asleep … tired … or it malingers, | |
| Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me. | |
| Should I, after tea and cakes and ices, | |
| Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis? | 80 |
| But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed, | |
| Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter, | |
| I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter; | |
| I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker, | |
| And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker, | 85 |
| And in short, I was afraid. | |
| And would it have been worth it, after all, | |
| After the cups, the marmalade, the tea, | |
| Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me, | |
| Would it have been worth while, | 90 |
| To have bitten off the matter with a smile, | |
| To have squeezed the universe into a ball | |
| To roll it toward some overwhelming question, | |
| To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead, | |
| Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”— | 95 |
| If one, settling a pillow by her head, | |
| Should say: “That is not what I meant at all; | |
| That is not it, at all.” | |
| And would it have been worth it, after all, | |
| Would it have been worth while, | 100 |
| After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets, | |
| After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor— | |
| And this, and so much more?— | |
| It is impossible to say just what I mean! | |
| But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen: | 105 |
| Would it have been worth while | |
| If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl, | |
| And turning toward the window, should say: | |
| “That is not it at all, | |
| That is not what I meant, at all.”
. . . . . . . .
| 110 |
| No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be; | |
| Am an attendant lord, one that will do | |
| To swell a progress, start a scene or two, | |
| Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool, | |
| Deferential, glad to be of use, | 115 |
| Politic, cautious, and meticulous; | |
| Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse; | |
| At times, indeed, almost ridiculous— | |
| Almost, at times, the Fool. | |
| I grow old … I grow old … | 120 |
| I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled. | |
| Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach? | |
| I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach. | |
| I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each. | |
| I do not think that they will sing to me. | 125 |
| I have seen them riding seaward on the waves | |
| Combing the white hair of the waves blown back | |
| When the wind blows the water white and black. | |
| We have lingered in the chambers of the sea | |
| By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown | 130 |
| Till human voices wake us, and we drown. |
A light-hearted, quirky romantic comedy about mental illness
I guess I can still be distracted by some movies and t.v. shows.
Over the last three nights, Jaime and I watched Silver Linings Playbook. It was a great movie! A light-hearted, quirky romantic comedy about mental illness. Jennifer Lawrence deserved her Oscar! The other three main actors were also awesome. It inspires you to learn to dance.
We are also watching episodes of Season 4 of The Good Wife as they seem to get randomly taped on our PVR. And Madmen - but there are only two episodes left in the season.
But that's it. I wonder what else could get me hooked....
Over the last three nights, Jaime and I watched Silver Linings Playbook. It was a great movie! A light-hearted, quirky romantic comedy about mental illness. Jennifer Lawrence deserved her Oscar! The other three main actors were also awesome. It inspires you to learn to dance.
We are also watching episodes of Season 4 of The Good Wife as they seem to get randomly taped on our PVR. And Madmen - but there are only two episodes left in the season.
But that's it. I wonder what else could get me hooked....
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