A Matter of Trust

In the last two years, I have had learn to trust.  Not something that comes easily to me, I have learned.

I have never been one to dive in, head first.  No, I’m more one for reading the signs, consulting, testing the waters with my toes, and then slowly lowering myself in, close to the sides so that I can grab on to something quickly if needed.

I’ve had to learn to let go and just swim, sometimes in dark, deep waters, with the sharks, trusting that it will all be okay.  I’ve had to learn to trust.  To have faith.

My ultrasound report came back all clear this week.  Great news!  What I had been waiting for.  And it is great news.  Except, my doctor said it wasn’t the most conclusive test.  To completely rule out a new cancer, which could be an underlying cause for a lab test result, I would have to undergo a more invasive procedure.  So, the question was, do I undergo that test.

My doctor wasn’t sure.  He said that if I were a 65 year old smoker, he would definitely make me do the test.  If I were a 25 year old, he would definitely say I don’t need it. So where do I fit?  I’m kind of in the middle.  I would have thought my history of cancer pushed me to the 65 year old, but he said that didn’t put me at a higher risk for this type of cancer.  Then he realized that I have actually had the other procedure two years ago (to investigate my surgical complications) and even though two years ago seems a long time ago to me, he said it is recent enough that I don’t have to redo that test.

So, he doesn’t know for sure, but he is doing a risk assessment.  I prefer no risk.  However, he reminded me that there are no “no risk” options.  There is always a risk in a procedure, though it may be small.  I guess it is reassuring that he feels that the risk of my actually having that other thing wrong with me is even smaller.

So I have to learn to trust his judgement, and it is hard for me, but I have to do just that.

My husband would say it is a matter of having faith.  He says that he believes certain things even though he may not have the supportive, scientific facts at his fingertips, which is what I would like to have.  “But how can you believe something without evidence?” I ask.  “It is simple, he tells me.  The alternative is intolerable.”

I’ve learned that he is right.  Not trusting, not believing, not having faith is an impossibly difficult and cold way to live.

My future sister-in-law recently told me that she is an atheist.  Twenty years ago, I would have found that to be a reasonable position.  And I don’t want to judge, but I wish I could tell her that life will be very difficult without something to believe in.  It doesn’t have to be God, but everyone needs something.

And where is the evidence that there is no God?

Me, I believe in Deius Ex Machina.  A concept that my high school English teacher explained to us.  God as Machine.  It occurs when you are backed into a corner, and it is not humanly possible to get out of the situation.  In books and movies, the plotline seems to magically get resolved.  Well, I don’t think this is possible only in fiction.   It has happened to me.  Just when I think there is no way out, a hand reaches in and gets me out.  I believe it is the Hand of God.

I still prefer to have scientific facts on hand.  But I believe there is something more.  Sometimes, I have a hard time remembering that.  It is sometimes a real struggle and may always be.  I may never have faith the way that Jaime does.  But I have come a long way, and I have learned to have faith and trust.  Even to trust my doctor.

I asked for a repeat lab test, though, just to have some more evidence.