I almost got an EX-01 at my last job. I excelled at my job and was told that I was "almost" ready for the EX-01, and I would get there, no problem. Next time. Next job. It would be mine.
Except it wasn't. Over and over again. I worked my hardest and did everything they told me I needed to do to get the job, but it was never good enough. What they really wanted was for me to change who I was. Then I realized, after a long time, that they really just wanted someone else.
My last year at that job was a disaster. A lot of things happened, but the main thing that happened was that I was diagnosed with cancer, and I was really never able to get back "into" work at that job. I left it to go to my current job. But that proved to be a long hard road too.
A month ago, something good happened. My Director asked me to take on an acting EX-01 for my supervisor who is on maternity leave. I've been doing this for a month, and I've felt like I've been defying gravity (just like the song). Things have been pulling me down constantly since my cancer diagnosis, and having this happen to me is like defying the general downward pulling force.
I am loving the job so far. Its not just the level. I have a lot of interesting issues and individuals to interact with, and I am trusted with a lot of responsibility. And I feel fully engaged, and I feel that my boss (in addition to being older than me) trusts me and likes me the way I am. And that has made a huge difference to how I feel about things, including myself.
I can't say how much it has meant to me to have something good happen to me. Because it has felt like, in the last two years, my "good" is the absence of bad. I have to be grateful for every clear medical test. Of every cancer-free day. And I am grateful. For every minute of it. And I don't ever forget it.
But some days, it isn't enough. I need some lucky breaks too. I need good things to happen. When I was going through the cancer ordeal, I wondered how I could ever have been anything less than ecstatic with my life when I didn't have cancer. I vowed to be happy with my life just the way it was if I could just be okay.
Yet, I haven't been able to do that. A surprisingly high number of crappy things have happened that are completely unrelated to cancer, and it turns out that those things make me unhappy too.
I have also done an amazingly high number of truly wonderful things too. I've seen my young children get older and develop into lovely older children and kind people. I've travelled to amazing places with my family (and a few awesome weekends with friends), I've learned to dance (and loved it!) - just to name a few.
So I'm not saying that there haven't been many special things. But I guess I just felt like the universe might throw a bit of good luck my way (and not just the absence of bad luck), and it surprised me when that didn't particularly happen and there were still crappy things to deal with. I know that is life. We are never "entitled" to anything. The most worthwhile things come to us only when we work for them.
So, on the one hand, I feel that my current job situation is good luck. On the other hand, I have worked really hard for it for many years. The lucky part is that all the stars just lined up in my favour this time, and my Director liked me and decided to take a chance on me.
It is temporary. Soon enough, I will be back to being bossed around by someone much younger than me. But I am living in the present and enjoying this moment. When it is over, maybe there will be some other good luck, not because I'm entitled to it, but because I have earned it.
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