It is Saturday and raining hard today. I am having a hard time today. My mind keeps going around and around, replaying the time just before my diagnosis and surgery. Maybe it is because I am stressed, still waiting for my ultrasound results. Maybe it is because we had our first swimming lessons back at Carleton today where I do the parent-swim, the kids have their lessons, and then we go to Stella Luna for waffles - the same pattern we had in the fall, leading up to me landing in the hospital.
Maybe for these reasons. Maybe just because these bad memories will keep playing endlessly in my head until enough time has passed, until enough other memories replace them, until I feel safe again.
I am trying to put behind me. I am trying not to be so anxious about all my doctors' appointments and tests. It is tiresome for my family and friends. It is tiresome for me and my body to be stressed and anxious. I try to forget. I try to breathe. Sometimes, it is easier. When I am distracted and with my family and friends. Other times, I am alone, and my mind keeps going there.
I imagine it is normal though. At least I suppose it is. I don't have any points of comparison. I have some role models, but they are ten years ahead of me. I have to be the role model. And I am trying. Trying to rebuild my life. By working and parenting and doing as much as I can. But it isn't easy. No one's life is easy. Mine certainly isn't.
I have to also remember that as much as I want to move on, and as much as those around me want me to as well, I can't do everything. I still get tired. I am still adjusting to be "back in the world" full time, and it hasn't been that long, and I am still going through lots of tests and appointments. And sometimes I have to say "no", which is hard and go at my own pace. When I don't, my body lets me know that I haven't. And I have to step back and start again.
Maybe it is the pounding rain. Maybe I will feel better when the sun comes out again.
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